My beautiful little one,

This is so unusual to write you a letter but I desperately want to get in touch with you and I cannot think of any other way.  You don’t have a phone in Heaven, do you?  Oh, I so much wish you did!  It would make such a big difference to me even if l could call you only once just to check that you arrived safely .

I just wanted to tell how much I love you.  Just in the same way as I did before, and  will forever.  Do you remember how I told you that you are my best ever gift in this universe?  You are.  Always.  My special gift that l am unable to see, smell or cuddle any longer but am blessed to remember and love until I no longer breathe.

Since you left the earth, nothing changed here.  Yet, in the same time everything is changed.  Unbelievably.  Inexplicably.  Irrevocably.  Although I still can feel the warmth of the sun and the damp of the rain…and the grass is still green and the sky still blue… Yet somehow this familiar place became very surreal when you disappeared.

Everyday, I wake up thinking about you.  And your beautiful image remains a solid background in my mind of whatever other things might appear throughout the day.  Until the tiredness sucks my thoughts into a deep hole of night. Then, there is nothingness.  For some reason, you don’t like to come to my dreams.  Despite I beg you daily to visit.

Today is a special day, it is Easter.  Usually,  special days come to me with an extra weight which squash extra blood out of my deeply wounded heart.  But Easter is different.  While the pain of missing you is very sharp and real, there is also blissful joy.  Because for me, Easter means Jesus Christ defeated death.  Therefore, a huge thank you to God, you are there alive.  And l will see you again.

Do you know, I am dreaming about that day just as you used to dream about your earthly birthdays.  Oh, what a wonderful event it should be!  I imagine:

You rushing towards me across a blossoming field, excitedly screaming at the top of your lungs – mummy, mummy, mummy… Your golden hair is flying around your angelical-cheeky-smiley face.  So is your dress… And I don’t know yet if it caused by a heavenly wind or by your own eternal energy…

Oh my dream!  I catch you up, wrapping my eventually free from the heavy cross hands around your gorgeous and so much missed figure…holding you…crying…unable to talk.

And you will be wiping my tears with your soft little palms, cheerfully kissing my cheeks and chatting, chatting… Telling me all about your afterlife that unfortunately I cannot possibly imagine while I am still on earth…

I believe you aware of the time when I will be born into your dimension.  Just like I did when you were growing under my heart.  It makes me smile visualising how you arrange a welcoming rainbow party for my arrival!

Do you remember when a few weeks before you were gone, you started to ask me what will I do when you die?  I often think about it. Did you really know?  Did you try to prepare me for a different life without you? And do you know what am I doing in your memory?

Did you manage to meet with the lovely ladies Yvonne and Ethel?  They hosted me along my coastal walk but sadly passed away in December 2017.  I hope they told you that now you are a little star, shining bright and lighting up love and kindness in the world which you adored and planned to live until old age.

By the way, do people get older in heaven?  Are you growing?  Or will you be 5 always?  Oh, Elizabeth, l have millions of questions for you but there is no answer.  Your photo is silent. And it is not really you.

You are somewhere else.  Perhaps far away from earth but still very close to me.  Always.  My broken heart is connected to you in the same way like it did when I was holding you tight in my embrace, enjoying the sweetest joy of just loving you and just being with you.

That is how strongly I feel your presence despite not having seen you for more than two years.  But I wouldn’t know the time if the world didn’t tell me.  I guess, because you took me with you to heaven and we both are here, and there, until we are together again.


Wallace & Gromit’s Grand Appeal. Charity No. 1043603
©&™ Wallace & Gromit’s Children’s Foundation/Aardman/W&G Ltd 2015. All rights reserved

Or go to https://www.justgiving.com/Natalia-Spencer/ or you can text ELIF 55 to 70070

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1 COMMENT

  1. What a beautiful, eloquent letter to your beautiful daughter. Forever missed, always remembered and so deeply loved. Danella xxx

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